Wednesday, October 22, 2008

With Apologies To Non-Poker Players (and Victoria Coren, Whose Name I have Taken In Vain)

The Ballad Of The Big Slick

The blinds are paid, the cards are dealt, your heart just skips a beat
For from your hand the Big Slick winks, "don't worry, you have them beat!"
"You've had it tough tonight, my love, with endless checks and passes:"
"Just jam the pot and worry not, for I will kick their arses."

"Of course," you gush, and in a rush you raise like merry hell:
An Ace and King within your hand! And suited ones as well!
The flop is dealt - no aces here, no royalty in sight.
No flush as yet: could she still net a win from this tonight?

"Bide your time my dear," she says, "there's still two streets to come."
"Raise again and have some faith! We're going to have such fun."
Your raise is called, the turn arrives, but still there's no slam-dunk.
"Oh don't be scared, there's nothing there but undercards and junk."

"Raise again, the pot this time," she urges, and you must,
For sweet Big Slick has seized your heart and turned your will to dust.
The River comes, a scary Jack: "All-in, and screw the books!"
You do, you're called, and then you're bust: a fish has got the Hooks.

The moral of this story? Big Slick chaos abuts:
So see the flop and dump her if she doesn't bring the nuts.
For though she speaks in honeyed tones like those of Vicky Coren,
When people say "Ace-King is good" FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST IGNORE 'EM.

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